Pregnancy Brain, Heart and Body

This whole, entire day has been a real downer. I feel queezy, my mind is in a fog and my emotions are out of whack. I wrote to Dr. Phil today about my husband who refuses to go to the doctor, cried about being a mom, barely remembered to show up early for a voice lesson today and narrowly found a baby-sitter. (Thank God for Sarah.) I've noted today that I have not scrap-booked, something I enjoy, for almost a year now. I'm not happy about this. It is a hobby that I enjoy and I haven't taken time out for myself to do it. Mainly because I have tried and I never get anything done because of the constant interruptions I get while doing it. I'm wondering if I'm depressed. I think I am because of the pregnancy hormones. All I want to do it hide in my room. I don't feel like eating because I'm queezy.

I would like to go someplace warm and hang out side. I really need it.

Hanging out in Minneapolis

Last weekend, Lauren and I drove to Minneapolis to spend a weekend with my best-friend Rina. We booked a room in the noisiest hotel I've ever stayed at. Do not go to the Best Western White Bear Country Inn located in White Bear Lake, MN. It was full of drunk people, loud people and kids running around with no parental authority. We booked a 2 night stay and only dared to spend the night once. The hotel staff told us they would only charge us for 1 evening and then charged us for 2. It was crazy.

But despite our nutty accommodation, we had a fantastic time. We visited the 2 story Target, the Weissman Art museum and the Mall of America. We swam in the pool a lot and talked it up. Just 3 crazy girls hanging out together. Lauren enjoyed meeting Aunt Rina and Rina had a great time teaching her new bad habits.

Blog Story Episode 3

Linda is at home washing dishes when she hears Wes enter the back door. "Oh, I'm glad to see you. Doctor Frist's office called me this morning. I told them you could probably give me a ride tomorrow afternoon."..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

With a long sigh, Wes remembers that he can't take her. "Mom, that's not going to work. I've got something planned."

Well, then change it. Nothings more important than the health of your dear old mother."

"I can't. It's very important."

"What in your life could matter that much? Are you working tomorrow? I thought I told you that Doctor McCloud said it was not good for you to work long hours. Your mind can't handle the stress. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times, you are not like other people. You can't handle all that. It took us forever to get your schizophrenia under control. Don't undo the hard work you've been through."

"No, Mother. It's not that."

"Well, what is it?"

Wes hesitates. The pause is long and uncomfortable. He things to himself, "I shouldn't tell her. She'll freak out. She won't understand. She's never understood. I need to tell her the truth but she just won't believe me.

Linda impatiently waiting, tries to run a hundred scenarios through her mind. With a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face, she laughs and says, "Have you met someone? Is it a girl?" Her smile grows even larger. Now Wes is embarrassed and there is no turning back. She's so excited, it would break her heart to hear something else. Wes creates a wonderful lie.

"You've found me out."

Linda can't believe her ears. "Wesley, when did you meet her? What's her name? How dare you hold this back from your mother. She says teasingly.

Her name is Vicki. We've actually known each other for a while.

Super hero blog story - Episode 2

Finally, I have written another episode. The play is this week and then I'll be able to wite more. I'll try to post one a week.

The buzzer goes off at 5 A.M. It's overly loud to his ears, who have been so delicately tuned to hearing nothing. Wes rolls over in bed reluctantly to slam down the snooze button but he misses it and knocks it to the floor. Sitting on the edge of the bed now, he finds the clock with his foot and steps on it to turn off the annoying plastic piece of crap. "Time to make the donuts" he moans in vain as he rises for the bathroom because Wes is a single 20 something. He steps into the shower contemplating another boring day working at "Happy Jack". He completes his morning routine with cocoa flakes and he's on his way out the door to the bus stop. He's only out the door for a moment when she appears. "Hello slacker. You're late," she says with a smile. "Oh, hi Vicki," Wes replies in a 'George McFly' tone of voice.

"Nice shirt. I think brown splotch goes real well with Happy Jack yellow,"

"Oh crap. I didn't see that before I left the house."

"Not too observant today, are you?"

"I guess not."

"You know Wes, you really ought to come down to the office with me. I could get you a better paying job in the mail room at the insurance company."

"I told my mom about your offer but she says that it's not a good idea. I think she just feels that way because she's never met you."

"Wes, are you always going to listen to your mom or are you going to be a man and do what you want to do."

"Yes, I know. I need to be my own person."

The bus arrives and opens its squeaky doors. "Just think about what I said, Wes. You could make $11 an hour," Vicki says enticingly. "Ya. Ok. I will," he replies as he steps on the bus. The driver closes the door and pulls away. Wes looks out the window and watches Vicki disappear into the distance. He sits down in the seat and smiles. Wes thinks back to when they first met on the schoolyard in Kindergarten.

She had beautiful brown eyes and dark brown…no…it was black hair. Vicki's personality was a vivacious and talkative 5 year old. He was playing by himself as usual when she walked up to him and set down. She said "hi" with that great big smile. Wes said "hi" back to her and she smiled so big, even her eyes smiled back at him.

"How come I've never seen you before?" Wes inquired.

"Well, I don't go to school here. My mommy teaches me at home. I think you're really sweet. Do you want to be my friend?" Vicki inquired right back.

"Yes, but the teacher will see you."

"No, she won't. I'm invisible. I can show myself to who I want and I don't want them to see me. But I like you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Here let me show you."

Vicki runs up to Mrs. Green and starts jumping up and down but Mrs. Green can't see her. She turns cart wheels, screams and even lifts up her dress but Mrs. Green doesn't notice. She runs back to Wes and says, "See. I told you." Wes is amazed. All he can say is "Wow".

Hope

This gave me joy and relief this afternoon.

I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath.! How kind is the Lord. How good he is. So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith. Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling and so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth. I believed in you, so I prayed "I am deeply troubled, Lord." In my anxiety I cried out to you."

Selections from Psalm 116, Holy Bible, New Living Translation

Sending Them in and The Blues

Well, some of you are going to say "Nooooooo! Don't do it." Some of you are going to say, "You go girl!" Other are not really going to care either way. I applied for two full-time jobs today. One was for an assistant position to the local high school principal. The other was for a marketing coordinator opening at a local manufacturing company.

I could go either way. I'd be happy to have a job but at the same time, having the extra income will push us over the state assistance level and baby number 2 will not be paid for through the Wisconsin Healthy Start Program. (basicly, we're so broke that we qualify for state assistance) Personally, having a job would be good for me because I'm starting to get pretty depressed at home. I'd have some contact with other people and that would be helpful. My mind would be stimulated, which is what I'm not getting anymore.

By the way, I don't know if I'm pregnant yet but we just started.

The play is going really well. I've got all my lines memorized now. It's fun.

I have the blues. I could sing the blues and maybe I'd feel better. I really need the spring to come and warm days to arrive. Do you ever just feel lonely even though you are not?

I'm tired of the grey skys.

I miss the green soft grass.

I would love to curl up under a tree with a blanket on a sunny day and read a book.

I'd love to hear the sounds of water rushing past.

I'd love to see flowers right now

blooming bright red

and birds singing their happy songs overhead.

Can they put that in a pill?

Can you find that under a UV light?

Somethings have to be lived and felt to find their joy and meaning.

It can't be manufactured.

The blog story has begun. Chapter 1, episode 1

The idea finally came to me. I started writing this morning. I don't have a name for it yet. Hope you enjoy it. You can still send me super hero names. - Kim

For Lauren, Elijah and square pegs that live in a world of round holes. This story is for you with all my love.

Wesley knew he wasn't like the other kids in his kindergarten class. Yes, he looked the same and dressed the same. But he never saw the world like they did. The teacher adored him but his classmates never knew quite what to do with Wes. He wasn't really a shy boy. Some might call him a leader because his peers would often imitate his words or actions. However some, those who have been trained to look at a half empty glass, would only see mocking children enjoying a laugh at his expense. The teacher, Mrs. Green, was concerned about him. At recess, poor Wes would play at the bicycle racks alone. But he never saw it that way. Wes was at home with his best friends, the invisible ones, that only paid attention to him. "The other children can't play with my friends because they can't see them and I don't want them to be lonely," He thought.

At the beginning of the school year, his Mama took him to class for the first time and sat him in a chair at a big round table. It was the biggest round table he had ever seen. But, it was just right for his height. He cried when his mom left him, but the teacher pet him on the shoulder to provide reassurance. She was busy comforting other children but just her touch brought knowledge that things would be fine. Then another little girl came to class. She was weeping so loud that everyone looked at her. She was snorting, snotting and slobbering. Her face and hands were a mess. It seemed that nothing could tear her away from her mom. All at once, Wes jumped out of his chair and grabbed the slippery hand of the grieving girl. He touched her shoulder and said, "It's going to be ok. I'm scared too but I'll be your friend. Come and sit by me." She nodded her head and stopped crying. All the moms gasped in disbelief. They were choked with amazement at the compassion of this little boy.

It was conference day at school and Wes's mom, Linda Hoffman, was nervously and uncomfortably sitting at the little table, in a little chair made for little people. "Why do they make us sit in these things, she wondered, are they all out of big people chairs today?" Linda was wondering if they would take a designated donation for larger chairs when in walked Mrs. Green. They exchanged chitchat for a few sentences but then started to get down to the nitty-gritty. "Wesley is a smart boy," she started, "He can quickly grasp every concept I teach him." "He's kind and compassionate. He always has sweet things to say." Linda smiled and felt proud of her son and then the floor dropped out with one thunderous, "But" from Mrs. Green.

Free Baby

Free Baby

Randy and I just found out that we qualify for the Healthy Start Program. This means 3 great things. We can have baby #2 for free. All my medical bills will be covered under this program from now until 3 months after my pregnancy. We can also get free food through the WIC program. We will recieve all the baby's formula for free too. This also means that we can drop my health insurance temporarily while I am on this program, which will save us about $300 a month. We can put that money towards things we'll need for the new little one. Not that we'll need much but if we have a boy, he'll need some clothes that aren't pink. So, we're excited and feel pretty blessed.

Next weekend on the 31st, Lauren and I will be traveling to Minneapolis to see Aunt Rina. We're looking forward to it because we haven't seen her in a year. Aunt Rina is the best. We might get to stay on an airforce base. If so, that will really cut the costs of our trip and we could do a little shopping if we eat cheap. Of course, we have to do some shopping at Babies R Us. Lauren has a few gift cards she needs to spend.

This weekend, I'm going back into the studio to rerecord some songs. I hope they turn out better than last time. We'll see. I want to get this recording project over with.

Right now, it is so foggy outside that I can't see across the road.

That's all for now!!!

Things I'll never forget

My first real kiss with a Troy S. out in the hall before first period History class. I didn’t want to be French kissed because I thought it was gross.

Hagel’s theory is like a bagel – They both have holes in them. I don’t know a thing about philosophy. My roommate Joy was trying to find a way to remember this for her college philosophy exam. I helped her out.

All the funny things Rina and I did for our English class project. Burning a toy boat in White Rock Lake, getting wonder clay stuck on our hands, making over 200 tiny sculpy rectangles and then spray painting them only to learn that the color of the cap was not the color of the paint inside.

My wedding day.

The birth of my first child and the look in her eyes when she first saw me.

The day we moved from Texas to Iowa

Spending the afternoon with my friend Robin at reunion tower just before I moved.

Reconnecting with my old friend Anne when I went to church for the first time with Randy.

My first apartment.

My old friend Jared telling me that Jesus loved me after I was about to pass out drunk on the floor at a party.

Unpacking laundry when we came home from our honeymoon and planning to do only my clothes.

The sound of the space shuttle exploding over our home in Texas and the feeling of our home shaking.

The silence of the skies after September 11.

Working at Fairview Baptist Church when I heard on the radio about the planes crashing into the towers.

Michelle Stevens giving me her bouquet on Mother’s day.

The time my sister snuck up and gave me a hug at while she was working at Tom Thumb in Addison.

Shooting things off the balcony of my apartment with Ken and Elliot.

My first trip out of state with friends from DBU. We went to Oklahoma and back.

Working at PageNet, my first real job, during the second shift. We rocked!!!!

Answering a bomb threat at work.

Singing in the catacombs of an old church in Antigua, Guatemala.

Seeing Rina and Andy at the Mall of America.

Spending time with Rina after Lauren was born.

I’ll keep adding to the list as I think of things

First Mother's Day

Today is my first Mother’s Day. So far, it’s been nice. I’m writing you at about 10:50 AM and that means that I’m sitting in Randy’s office during second service. Randy is teaching children’s church and Lauren is upstairs sleeping. Normally, I would go up and get my little one but I’m taking this time to sit quietly and reflect on this day. That means that I’ve got real free time until about 11:15. The time passes so quickly.
I’ve been thinking about my mom and what she did for me. My mom, for those of you who don’t know, is mentally Ill and has been so since my high school year. We don’t know what is ailing her. She started out with manic depression and it’s mutated into anxiety and some other mystery problem.
Since high school, I’ve always been frustrated by her irresponsibility. Its easy to see all her faults and obvious errors she made raising me and my siblings. However, I thought today about the good things mom did teach us, or at least what I took away from her life.
Mom always put us first above herself. She would be the last person to receive. She would praise our odd art work when we were little. I wonder how many ponies I drew that she never recognized to be equestrian in nature. I remember sitting in front of the mirror when I was in 6th grade feeling insecure about my looks and my mom told me that I was very pretty. How unfortunate that I did not listen to her then. Mom encouraged me to cook. She showed me how to take care of a home and taught me to be independent.
Despite my mom’s handicaps, she is a free spirit. She likes to do it her way and she has lots of good, creative ideas. Mom is an artist who never recognized her own wonderful talent. She is a skilled bead worker and designs jewelry. I’ve always wished she’d start selling her work more but she never charges enough. Mom does it purely for the joy of the craft….something that is lost these days in our country because it’s been shipped oversees or mass produced.
I love my mom and have learned that mom is always herself. It took me a long time to just accept that fact. But now that I have, I see her real beauty. I love you mom.

Just a step away from chaos

Today, I really felt blessed when a new friend confided in me. Just to know that she trusted me enough to confess a dark secret really touched my heart. I’m glad that she felt comfortable and came forward to share a burden. Not only as a pastor’s wife but as a friend, I want to be a listening post for anyone. I always want others to be able to talk to me without feeling judged. Her sin was, by human standards, great compared to others but in the Lords eyes, it weighs the same as a little white lie. All our sins are worthy of death.

So, I’ve been meditating on this thought. All of us are only a step away from committing any crime, no matter how heinous. The human heart is desperately wicked and I believe any of us, if put in the right situation, will commit any crime. Stealing, adultery, murder…you name it. I don’t think we are immune. As a matter of fact, Jesus said that if you even look at someone lustfully, you have committed adultery. I would take this so far to even say that if you have hated someone, that you have committed a form of murder.

While this may be a little extreme, it does stop and make me realize that it’s only by God’s grace that I haven’t found myself in jail. Praise the Lord that regardless of the sin I commit he forgives me and still calls me his own. He says I am his Beloved.