Pregnancy Brain, Heart and Body

This whole, entire day has been a real downer. I feel queezy, my mind is in a fog and my emotions are out of whack. I wrote to Dr. Phil today about my husband who refuses to go to the doctor, cried about being a mom, barely remembered to show up early for a voice lesson today and narrowly found a baby-sitter. (Thank God for Sarah.) I've noted today that I have not scrap-booked, something I enjoy, for almost a year now. I'm not happy about this. It is a hobby that I enjoy and I haven't taken time out for myself to do it. Mainly because I have tried and I never get anything done because of the constant interruptions I get while doing it. I'm wondering if I'm depressed. I think I am because of the pregnancy hormones. All I want to do it hide in my room. I don't feel like eating because I'm queezy.

I would like to go someplace warm and hang out side. I really need it.

Hanging out in Minneapolis

Last weekend, Lauren and I drove to Minneapolis to spend a weekend with my best-friend Rina. We booked a room in the noisiest hotel I've ever stayed at. Do not go to the Best Western White Bear Country Inn located in White Bear Lake, MN. It was full of drunk people, loud people and kids running around with no parental authority. We booked a 2 night stay and only dared to spend the night once. The hotel staff told us they would only charge us for 1 evening and then charged us for 2. It was crazy.

But despite our nutty accommodation, we had a fantastic time. We visited the 2 story Target, the Weissman Art museum and the Mall of America. We swam in the pool a lot and talked it up. Just 3 crazy girls hanging out together. Lauren enjoyed meeting Aunt Rina and Rina had a great time teaching her new bad habits.

Blog Story Episode 3

Linda is at home washing dishes when she hears Wes enter the back door. "Oh, I'm glad to see you. Doctor Frist's office called me this morning. I told them you could probably give me a ride tomorrow afternoon."..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

With a long sigh, Wes remembers that he can't take her. "Mom, that's not going to work. I've got something planned."

Well, then change it. Nothings more important than the health of your dear old mother."

"I can't. It's very important."

"What in your life could matter that much? Are you working tomorrow? I thought I told you that Doctor McCloud said it was not good for you to work long hours. Your mind can't handle the stress. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times, you are not like other people. You can't handle all that. It took us forever to get your schizophrenia under control. Don't undo the hard work you've been through."

"No, Mother. It's not that."

"Well, what is it?"

Wes hesitates. The pause is long and uncomfortable. He things to himself, "I shouldn't tell her. She'll freak out. She won't understand. She's never understood. I need to tell her the truth but she just won't believe me.

Linda impatiently waiting, tries to run a hundred scenarios through her mind. With a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face, she laughs and says, "Have you met someone? Is it a girl?" Her smile grows even larger. Now Wes is embarrassed and there is no turning back. She's so excited, it would break her heart to hear something else. Wes creates a wonderful lie.

"You've found me out."

Linda can't believe her ears. "Wesley, when did you meet her? What's her name? How dare you hold this back from your mother. She says teasingly.

Her name is Vicki. We've actually known each other for a while.

Super hero blog story - Episode 2

Finally, I have written another episode. The play is this week and then I'll be able to wite more. I'll try to post one a week.

The buzzer goes off at 5 A.M. It's overly loud to his ears, who have been so delicately tuned to hearing nothing. Wes rolls over in bed reluctantly to slam down the snooze button but he misses it and knocks it to the floor. Sitting on the edge of the bed now, he finds the clock with his foot and steps on it to turn off the annoying plastic piece of crap. "Time to make the donuts" he moans in vain as he rises for the bathroom because Wes is a single 20 something. He steps into the shower contemplating another boring day working at "Happy Jack". He completes his morning routine with cocoa flakes and he's on his way out the door to the bus stop. He's only out the door for a moment when she appears. "Hello slacker. You're late," she says with a smile. "Oh, hi Vicki," Wes replies in a 'George McFly' tone of voice.

"Nice shirt. I think brown splotch goes real well with Happy Jack yellow,"

"Oh crap. I didn't see that before I left the house."

"Not too observant today, are you?"

"I guess not."

"You know Wes, you really ought to come down to the office with me. I could get you a better paying job in the mail room at the insurance company."

"I told my mom about your offer but she says that it's not a good idea. I think she just feels that way because she's never met you."

"Wes, are you always going to listen to your mom or are you going to be a man and do what you want to do."

"Yes, I know. I need to be my own person."

The bus arrives and opens its squeaky doors. "Just think about what I said, Wes. You could make $11 an hour," Vicki says enticingly. "Ya. Ok. I will," he replies as he steps on the bus. The driver closes the door and pulls away. Wes looks out the window and watches Vicki disappear into the distance. He sits down in the seat and smiles. Wes thinks back to when they first met on the schoolyard in Kindergarten.

She had beautiful brown eyes and dark brown…no…it was black hair. Vicki's personality was a vivacious and talkative 5 year old. He was playing by himself as usual when she walked up to him and set down. She said "hi" with that great big smile. Wes said "hi" back to her and she smiled so big, even her eyes smiled back at him.

"How come I've never seen you before?" Wes inquired.

"Well, I don't go to school here. My mommy teaches me at home. I think you're really sweet. Do you want to be my friend?" Vicki inquired right back.

"Yes, but the teacher will see you."

"No, she won't. I'm invisible. I can show myself to who I want and I don't want them to see me. But I like you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Here let me show you."

Vicki runs up to Mrs. Green and starts jumping up and down but Mrs. Green can't see her. She turns cart wheels, screams and even lifts up her dress but Mrs. Green doesn't notice. She runs back to Wes and says, "See. I told you." Wes is amazed. All he can say is "Wow".

Hope

This gave me joy and relief this afternoon.

I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath.! How kind is the Lord. How good he is. So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith. Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling and so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth. I believed in you, so I prayed "I am deeply troubled, Lord." In my anxiety I cried out to you."

Selections from Psalm 116, Holy Bible, New Living Translation

Sending Them in and The Blues

Well, some of you are going to say "Nooooooo! Don't do it." Some of you are going to say, "You go girl!" Other are not really going to care either way. I applied for two full-time jobs today. One was for an assistant position to the local high school principal. The other was for a marketing coordinator opening at a local manufacturing company.

I could go either way. I'd be happy to have a job but at the same time, having the extra income will push us over the state assistance level and baby number 2 will not be paid for through the Wisconsin Healthy Start Program. (basicly, we're so broke that we qualify for state assistance) Personally, having a job would be good for me because I'm starting to get pretty depressed at home. I'd have some contact with other people and that would be helpful. My mind would be stimulated, which is what I'm not getting anymore.

By the way, I don't know if I'm pregnant yet but we just started.

The play is going really well. I've got all my lines memorized now. It's fun.

I have the blues. I could sing the blues and maybe I'd feel better. I really need the spring to come and warm days to arrive. Do you ever just feel lonely even though you are not?

I'm tired of the grey skys.

I miss the green soft grass.

I would love to curl up under a tree with a blanket on a sunny day and read a book.

I'd love to hear the sounds of water rushing past.

I'd love to see flowers right now

blooming bright red

and birds singing their happy songs overhead.

Can they put that in a pill?

Can you find that under a UV light?

Somethings have to be lived and felt to find their joy and meaning.

It can't be manufactured.

The blog story has begun. Chapter 1, episode 1

The idea finally came to me. I started writing this morning. I don't have a name for it yet. Hope you enjoy it. You can still send me super hero names. - Kim

For Lauren, Elijah and square pegs that live in a world of round holes. This story is for you with all my love.

Wesley knew he wasn't like the other kids in his kindergarten class. Yes, he looked the same and dressed the same. But he never saw the world like they did. The teacher adored him but his classmates never knew quite what to do with Wes. He wasn't really a shy boy. Some might call him a leader because his peers would often imitate his words or actions. However some, those who have been trained to look at a half empty glass, would only see mocking children enjoying a laugh at his expense. The teacher, Mrs. Green, was concerned about him. At recess, poor Wes would play at the bicycle racks alone. But he never saw it that way. Wes was at home with his best friends, the invisible ones, that only paid attention to him. "The other children can't play with my friends because they can't see them and I don't want them to be lonely," He thought.

At the beginning of the school year, his Mama took him to class for the first time and sat him in a chair at a big round table. It was the biggest round table he had ever seen. But, it was just right for his height. He cried when his mom left him, but the teacher pet him on the shoulder to provide reassurance. She was busy comforting other children but just her touch brought knowledge that things would be fine. Then another little girl came to class. She was weeping so loud that everyone looked at her. She was snorting, snotting and slobbering. Her face and hands were a mess. It seemed that nothing could tear her away from her mom. All at once, Wes jumped out of his chair and grabbed the slippery hand of the grieving girl. He touched her shoulder and said, "It's going to be ok. I'm scared too but I'll be your friend. Come and sit by me." She nodded her head and stopped crying. All the moms gasped in disbelief. They were choked with amazement at the compassion of this little boy.

It was conference day at school and Wes's mom, Linda Hoffman, was nervously and uncomfortably sitting at the little table, in a little chair made for little people. "Why do they make us sit in these things, she wondered, are they all out of big people chairs today?" Linda was wondering if they would take a designated donation for larger chairs when in walked Mrs. Green. They exchanged chitchat for a few sentences but then started to get down to the nitty-gritty. "Wesley is a smart boy," she started, "He can quickly grasp every concept I teach him." "He's kind and compassionate. He always has sweet things to say." Linda smiled and felt proud of her son and then the floor dropped out with one thunderous, "But" from Mrs. Green.

Free Baby

Free Baby

Randy and I just found out that we qualify for the Healthy Start Program. This means 3 great things. We can have baby #2 for free. All my medical bills will be covered under this program from now until 3 months after my pregnancy. We can also get free food through the WIC program. We will recieve all the baby's formula for free too. This also means that we can drop my health insurance temporarily while I am on this program, which will save us about $300 a month. We can put that money towards things we'll need for the new little one. Not that we'll need much but if we have a boy, he'll need some clothes that aren't pink. So, we're excited and feel pretty blessed.

Next weekend on the 31st, Lauren and I will be traveling to Minneapolis to see Aunt Rina. We're looking forward to it because we haven't seen her in a year. Aunt Rina is the best. We might get to stay on an airforce base. If so, that will really cut the costs of our trip and we could do a little shopping if we eat cheap. Of course, we have to do some shopping at Babies R Us. Lauren has a few gift cards she needs to spend.

This weekend, I'm going back into the studio to rerecord some songs. I hope they turn out better than last time. We'll see. I want to get this recording project over with.

Right now, it is so foggy outside that I can't see across the road.

That's all for now!!!